Ron's Envy
by Fleur's Boyfriend
Summary: Things are getting a bit stranger...
1. Ron's Birthday

Ron's Envy  
  
I don't own J K Rowling's characters, but I do own Hagrid. He's mine! Just joking! Don't sue me! But seriously:   
  
J K Rowling owns everything in this story. Yes, even Hagrid.  
  
Oh, by the way, I'm PigwidgeonChick's older (but not as old as the oldest) brother. On to the story!  
  
Chapter One: Ron's Birthday  
  
"...Happy Birthday Dear Ronnie, Happy Birthday to you!" They all sang as Ron blew out his sixteen candles.   
"And many more," added Neville.  
"Shut up, Neville!" yelled Ginny.  
"Yeah, you stupid, hairy git!" said Hermione.  
"But not hairy as in Harry," added Harry.  
They all laughed at this comment as Neville ran out the Griffendor room crying.   
Ron looked at Hermione and smiled. She smiled back. She had matured to be a very beautiful witch over the years, with a nice, tall, feminine figure and the most beautiful smile imaginable, now that she had what Muggles called "braces." They glistened in the light, melting Ron's heart like cheese, or rather boiling it like an egg. Ron had fallen in love with her, but she was with another man.  
"Alright, I'd like to thank you all for coming to my party. And now for the first present," said Ron opening a small envelope. "Oh, It's a gift certificate from Hogsmeade Bath & Spa Company. 'The beholder of this card is entitled to a free full body massage from his or her choice from Mediterranean babe-ilicious Mermaids under water (with a bubble charm on, of course) or by Tall Strong River Trolls under a bridge." Thank you, Hagrid. (A/N: He's mine!)  
And the next one is from Percy, who isn't here. It's a Play Mer-Boy. This is disgusting! This is filth, and I will not read it! I shall hide it where no man will ever see it again: under my pillow!   
And this is from our old Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Lockheart. It's an autographed piece of paper. Oh, great.  
And the next one is from Harry."   
Ron opened the package just enough to see what was in it, when he cried out, "Oh my god! How did you ever find this? It's just what I always wanted! Thank you so-"  
"Oh, I should explain. That one's for Hermione. As you may know already, she and I have been going out for a year and this is my one-year anniversary present for her."  
Everybody stood up and applauded at this. They all raised their glasses to them and left Ron with his presents as they congratulated the beautiful couple.  
"Um, Ron," said Harry. "You don't mind leaving the room as Hermione and I make out on the couch you are sitting on, do you?"  
"Not at all," said Ron, choking up his tears. He left the room and burst into tears as he ran to his dormitory. On the way, he met up with Dobby, who was smiling.  
"Oh, Dobby is happy Ron! Harry Potter is named hottest Hogwarts student of the year in this-"  
"Shut up, you stupid little house-elf!" shouted Ron  
He fell onto his bed with Neville on his in the same room.  
"It's no fair! Harry gets all the attention! Nobody loves me! I'll show him. Somehow, I guess..."  
  
TBC...  
A/N Be sure to read upcoming chapters! In the meantime, feel free to review!  



	2. Hagrid's Great Idea

On to the second chapter…  
  
A/N: Hello, everyone! I am so glad of all the reviews I've received and I would like to thank all those who took time to write some. I would like to point out that this is a parody, so the characters may or may not act like this in real life. The only review I had some problems with is this one:  
  
"Gurl....u gotta write more.K?k.good,now go write"  
  
"I'm not a girl!!!" says the author, running out of the room trying to hold back his tears.  
  
"Oh well," said Hagrid, pulling off the collar and chain Fleur's boyfriend usually kept on him (Note: His accent is not there due to the fact that he is bathrobe-clad in front of a fire place pulling a book off of a bookshelf. "Our story continues in Hogsmeade, a pleasant wizarding community. It is the largest magical community in Great Britain, where long ago, under the rule of a muggle monarch…"  
  
Chapter Two: Hagrid's Great Idea  
  
All third years and up were taking a visit to Hogsmeade. Harry, Hermione and Ron were having a round of butter beers at the Three Broomsticks.   
  
"Um, Ron," said Harry. "I've got something to say."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Well, you wouldn't mind leaving me and Hermione alone for a while, would you?"  
  
"No," Ron said flatly. "In fact, I guess I'll just use my gift certificate Hagrid gave me."  
  
As Ron left, Hermione said, "What's his problem, anyway?"  
  
Ron walked to the Hogsmeade Bath & Spa. He saw a tall handsome man at the desk with blonde locks of hair going to his shoulders and a charming smile.   
  
"Why, hello, Ron!" He said flashing a picture-perfect smile.  
  
"Professor Lockheart?"  
  
"Oh, you remember me!"  
  
"But, what are you doing here?"  
  
"Well, you remember how I used other people's stories to gain success? Well, after a while, less and less people had stories to tell, and so I retired from that idea and decided to open my own bath & spa place. May I help you?"  
  
"Yes. I have this gift certificate for a free full body massage."  
  
"Ah, yes. Trolls or Mermaids?"  
  
"Mermaids, please."  
  
They walked down a hall filled with winking and smiling photos of Lockheart until they arrived at a door reading, "Mermaid Room."  
  
"Ah, here it is," said Lockheart pulling out a key. He opened a door to a stunning room with marble flooring and columns and a pool in the middle. "Enjoy your self," said Lockheart handing him a swimsuit. "The bubble charm will activate underwater."  
  
Ron quickly changed and dived in. He swam to the bottom, where he saw a gorgeous group of mermaids: blondes, brunettes, redheads… And they weren't ugly like the ones at Hogwarts. Ron saw one he had recognized.  
  
"Hey, weren't you featured in that article of-"  
  
"Shhhhh! Not too loud," she said giggling as the rest joined in. "Just relax and we'll do the rest."  
  
A/N: The story immediately jumps forward past the whole massage to him walking outside the room.  
  
Ron, feeling totally relaxed, walked past the hallway until he found the troll room.  
  
"Hmmmmmm. I wonder who would possibly want to get massaged by trolls."  
  
Ron opened the door, finding Hagrid sitting in a muddy river under a bridge. Trolls about his size were rolling him around in the mud and pounding him.  
  
"Ah, 'ello Ron! Excuse me, boys," he said dismissing the trolls. "What brings yeh 'ere?"  
  
"Well, I-"  
  
"Nah! Don' say it. Yeh've come fer advice from yehr old friend Hagrid! Sit down. Now, what's the trouble?"  
  
"Hagrid, um, have you ever felt not so special?"  
  
"Is this about Harry Potter?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Alright, I'll tell you what. Tonight, while he's sleepin', yeh just spread shaving cream over his legs, an' I'll-"  
  
"No, Hagrid. I want to be better than him!"  
  
"Oh, so that's what this is about!"  
  
"You see, he defeated Voldemort five times, won the Quidditch Cup twice, won the Triwizard Tournament, and stole the girl of my dreams!"  
  
"Oh, but there's one thing he'll never be better at than you could be."  
  
"And what's that?"  
  
"Why, this!" Hagrid said pulling out a broomstick from midair.   
  
"Hagrid, I told you! He won the Quidditch cup twice!"  
  
"No, you will be the greatest figure broomstick rider ever to grace the sky with yehr presence!"  
  
"Right, Hagrid," said Ron.  
  
Will Ron consider this activity? Or will he use the shaving cream? Find out next time in the next chapter of…  
  
Ron's Envy!  
(In other words: To Be Continued…)  
  
A/N: All characters belong to JK Rowling. Play Mer-Boy is just a twisted invention of my mind.  
  
  
  



	3. The First Lesson

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns all characters from the Harry Potter books  
  
"Ok, hello my nice fans and such. Before you continue reading, stop telling me, "Oh, this would never happen!" "Harry would never do that!" I would just like to say-"  
  
(From upstairs)  
"Where is 'e?"  
  
"He's downstairs writing the third chapter of his-"  
  
"Out of ze way, Pigwidgeon Chick!"  
  
"Oh, hello, Fleur!"  
  
"Explain!"  
  
"Explain what?"  
  
"Why I 'ave not been mentioned once in your story. And you 'ave even given Lock'eart a cameo and 'e's not even going out wiz you!"  
  
"Well, I'm just giving the audience what they want, baby! No, please, come back!"  
  
"Oh, well," said Hagrid shaking his head. "It looks as though our 'beloved' author is in more trouble. Anyhoo, onto the next chapter!"  
  
Chapter 3: The First Lesson  
  
Hagrid told Ron to appear at his cabin after lunch. He would receive his first figure broom riding lessons there. Figure broom riding was making an art out of riding brooms, as broom riders would gracefully fly in the sky for points. It was much like the figure skating muggles do. Ron wasn't so sure about this idea, because it was much more accepted for witches to do this than it was for wizards. He arrived at the cabin and Hagrid was standing there.  
  
"Alright! Yeh ready fer yehr next lesson?"  
  
"I guess."  
  
"Alright, come in and we'll pick out a broom fer yeh."  
  
"What will I have? A Firebolt? A Nimbus 2000?"  
  
"Neither! An Air Brush!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Yeh see, figure riders have to use different brooms. Regular ones won't shoot out colorful sparks. That's part of the beauty of figure ridin'!"  
  
"I see."  
  
"Let's go!"  
  
Ron mounted his broom. He had learned to fly a broom in his first year and had much practice as a brother of the two Gryffindor Quidditch team beaters.  
  
"Figure ridin' is not a sport of speed and beating balls. It is a sport of grace! Of beauty! Yeh hold yehr broom not like a horse, but like a woman. Gentle, but firm…"  
  
"Uh, Hagrid?"  
  
"Flyin' in the air is no different than making love-"  
  
"Er, Hagrid!"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry! Where was I?"  
  
"Figure riding."  
  
"Ah, yes! Well, just take the broom fer a ride and we'll see how yeh do."  
  
Ron shot out into the air. He felt that the broom flew well.   
  
"Do a figure eight!" Yelled a small Hagrid on the ground.  
  
Ron obeyed. Then he did loops in the air, and twists and dives. He felt like he was the most graceful bird in the world. Or something cheesy like that.  
  
"I'm doing it, Hagrid! I'm figure riding!"  
  
"Yeh're doin' great! Now, hold on, I'm going to release 'em!"  
  
"Er, release what, Hagrid?"  
  
All of a sudden Ron saw a flying lizard-like creature. It was a smaller-than-usual dragon, about the size of a horse. It had a red scaly coat with spikes on the back. In fact, it looked like a flying iguana, and smoke was emitting from its nostrils. Suddenly it started breathing fire at Ron.  
  
"What the Hell? Are you crazy?"  
  
"Just keep flyin'!"  
  
Ron dodged the dragon as two others were coming from him at opposite directions. He flew out of the way causing them to bump heads falling to the ground.   
  
"That's the spirit!"  
  
The first dragon was closely following him, his head close to the end of his broom. Ron looked behind as he saw the dragon taking in a breath of air. Upon seeing this, he remembered what made his broomstick different from others.  
  
"Good thinkin'!"  
  
A blast of sparks shot out of the end of his broom, hitting the dragon in the eyes. The dragon flew to the ground howling in pain. The other two dragons had turned brown.  
  
"That was excellent," said Hagrid happily. "Shot out sparks on yehr first ride."  
  
"What exactly were the dragons there for?"  
  
"Oh, those? South American Mood Scales. Their scales change color depending on what mood they're in. Red fer angry, green fer tranquility, blue fer sadness, purple fer mating, and brown fer lack of energy. They are an endangered species due to their disappearing habitat in the rain forest. They don't grow to big and are not too aggressive. They breath fire up to twenty feet and have sharp talon-like claws to grab their prey. 'armless creatures, really."   
  
"So, how did you come up with this whole figure riding idea?"  
  
Hagrid grew silent. He looked off into the distance, his eyes watery.  
  
"I was a figure rider once."  
  
"You were?"  
  
"The greatest there ever was in Hogwarts."  
  
"But, then-"  
  
"I was expelled. My broom, snapped in two."  
  
They stood there for a moment. Fleur walks across the hill…   
…Fleur is now out of sight.  
*Applause*  
  
To be continued…  
A/N: JK Rowling owns all characters except the author, and the dragons I made up. Pigwidgeon Chick sends her love.  
  
  



	4. The New Student

Disclaimer: All characters belong to JK Rowling  
  
"Hello, again! Back for more, eh? Well, just as a warning, things are going to get a bit more interesting. You'll see what I mean…"  
  
Chapter Four: The New-  
  
"Oh, and Hagrid, you're free to go."  
  
"Wahoo! Freedom!!!"  
  
Chapter Four: The New Student  
  
Upon arriving to his dormitory, Ron put his broom under his bed. He looked at Harry who was reading the Daily Prophet.  
  
"Fool," he said to himself. "I'll show him."  
  
They heard a knocking on the door. Neville opened it, letting Dumbledore and a snake-like man into the room. He had a flat face, big, red eyes, and slits for nostrils. He was breathing heavily through his nostrils with a sickening grin.  
  
"Lord Voldemort!" cried Harry.  
  
"Oh, no, not anymore! He's back to Tom Riddle, and the Ministry of Magic has chosen Hogwarts to be the place for his re-education. We decided to put him in Gryffindor just in case he turned out to be the same if he went to Slytherin. Which bed do you want, Tom?"  
  
Tom pointed a long, thin finger at Neville's. Neville's bed was next to Ron's.  
  
"Alright, Neville. You'll be sleeping in the girls' dormitory from now on."  
  
Neville grinned and packed his things leaving his scared stiff roommates behind. Tom sat on his bed, grinning and looking at Ron.  
  
"Good night," said Ron in a timid voice.  
  
"Good night," said Tom.  
  
They turned off the lights and went to bed. Ron woke up the next day. Tom was still sitting upright, smiling, and looking at Ron.   
  
"What's our first class?" he hissed.  
  
"Er, potions," he said.  
  
Potions class was Hell. Ron was assigned Tom as his partner. Ron was explaining how they were learning how to make a hair growth potion. Ron told Tom to start slicing the salamander tails. Tom raised his scalpel and started stabbing them.  
  
"SALAMANDER!!!! SALAMANDER TAILLLLLLLLLLS!!!! Die!!!!"  
  
"Hey, what's with that new kid?" asked Mayfoy.  
  
"He's the great Lord Voldemort, and you'd better shut up, because-" said Ron.  
  
"Not so powerful now, eh, Mr. Voldemort?"  
  
Tom just smiled as he started chewing on the salamander tails.  
  
"Ewww, gross!"  
  
"Go free!" Tom yelled throwing the contents of their cauldron in the air. "Go free!"  
  
Tom ran around throwing everybody's potions in the air. Snape burst into the room.  
  
"Who's causing all the racket?" he yelled.  
  
All the Slytherins silently pointed to Tom.  
  
"100 points off Gryffindor!"  
  
To be continued…  
  
A/N: Did you know that you could change the flavor of FanFiction.Net? So cool!!!  



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